Many times during readings people have a million questions about relationships, quite often people are stuck emotionally and have not a clue in the world about what to do next. It is easy when the heart is involved in any relationship to feel conflicted, confused and exhausted when trying to make a change.
We are creatures of habit and find solace in the concept of permanence. We generally don’t like change. We unfortunately live in a world where the one thing we can count on is impermanence. Impermanence means nothing ever stays the same. In my job people confess their heartache to me and are searching for the right answers. I do not have the ability to provide answers that is only something that can come from within. I may be able to show a path not thought of before or help someone see their inner beauty, but unfortunately the real work must come from the heart.
A common pattern I find in readings is that people in relationships often become friends over time but have no attraction to one another. One partner generally wishes the other partner would leave them or do something to screw up the relationship so that they don’t have the burden of hurting the other person or have the responsibility of letting their family down.
Sometimes our partners can be mentally unstable and threaten us with hurting themselves if we leave them. Guilt keeps us mired in place.
There is also a pattern that comes up when one partner is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive and because of low self esteem, financial dependency or absolute fear the other partner feels helpless to leave.
When we have been wounded previously we sometimes make the mistake of jumping into multiple relationships to numb the pain of our past. When we are hungry for love or affection it is easy to be drawn to people that are not healthy for us. They may provide instant feelings of happiness or emotional affection but over time those feelings vanish and we are stuck with an empty heart.
I have heard the pain of people who have been cheated on and the pain of the people that cheat. It’s sometimes easier to cheat with a person who is married, as that person meets your emotional and sexual needs and the adrenaline rush numbs any need for long term emotional intimacy. There are also people who suffer from sexual addictions and mistake sex for love.
There are relationships that need to be repaired from infidelity, addictions or gambling issues. People can put their relationships back together after being fractured and can find each others hands to hold once again. Nothing is impossible when the love between two people is strong enough.
Divorce is something nobody sets out to accomplish on their wedding day. Breakups are emotionally devastating, sometimes filled with bitterness and hatred. We lose track of our way on the path together and forget why we ever got together in the first place. Unfortunately all too often divorce provides the opportunity of emotionally sabotaging ourselves until we feel we have adequately beaten ourselves up.
I feel the anguish of clients when they lose their soul mate, their best friend and life partner. When people are widowed their sorrow is intense. Love is a multi faceted emotion. You can madly love someone who doesn’t love you. You can love someone indifferently when they are on earth, and when they die you realize they were so much more. Love can be painful, regretful and unhealthy. Love conversely can be amazing, gentle and whole. You can love all three of your ex’s in a healthy and positive memory and love your current partner completely. Love knows no boundaries.
We don’t choose who we love and if we did life would be easier indeed. Our heart finds a soul recognition with another human being and whether that be good or bad or heart takes over and we become different people. Love can bring us happiness and heartache. The duality of love has been written about for long as there have been clay tablets.
My friend Donna and Gladys one told me independently of one another that they admire my ability to love hard. Sometimes when I give readings to people I don’t know I love them unconditionally because I can feel how loved they are by spirits on the other side. This washes over into my personal life as well. Don’t get me wrong I am not Sister Mary Sunshine and my life isn’t always a bed of roses. I have been through heaven and hell in relationships. I have been a victim of domestic violence, have been hurt to the core of my being, been lied to, disrespected and put down.
Sometimes I hated myself for allowing that negativity into my life. I used to beat myself up because I was a strong woman who was smarter than that. I had a million excuses of why I was a victim and how that came to be. I ended up forgiving my abusers and then realized I was more abusive to myself than my partner ever could have been. At my lowest points I thought I was too ugly, too fat and too encumbered by life to ever find someone that would love me as much as I loved them.
When I finally took responsibility for all the good and bad in my life and refused to blame anyone for anything my life magically changed. When I learned to accept responsibility and let go of blame it opened the door for me to finally like who I was at that moment and I learned to love myself. It took me six years to see the process through. When we accept responsibility for our life we get back in the driver’s seat. Blame leaves you at the side of the road with a flat tire waiting for someone to rescue you.
My friend and mentor Joe Magno taught me the beauty of self love. He wrote a beautiful book about how the heart can heal through self love. Self love is sometimes an abstract thought in the West that gets confused with an inflated ego. When we love ourselves and are truly happy we will not harm another. When you can wake up liking yourself you can change your life and others lives for the better. When you love and like yourself you can truly and openly love another.
Self love allows you to give without expectation of return. You can be kind and compassionate to another who is struggling without having to fix them or solve their problems. When you Love yourself and love another you can be a compassionate observer to their pain and offer your hand when they need it. You no longer have to be intertwined in chaos because you know that they are on their own journey and that whatever that journey is you can remain healthy and whole.
Self love allows you to set boundaries, let go of outcomes and expectations and can truly allow you to live in the moment. Self love sets you free from past conceptions and misconceptions. It is so very important to do, and probably the hardest task you’ll ever have to endure. It is not easy and takes practice. Some days will be easier than others for sure.
I wrote a list to the universe on June 3, 2009 of what I wanted in a soul mate in great emotional, physical, and spiritual nature. I folded the paper in half and put it next to my computer and left it there. I had absolute faith in the universe that it would come to me, and three months later it magically happened. I ended up with the person that I custom ordered. I was pleasantly surprised and within two weeks I knew I was absolutely in love. I can’t explain how much my life has changed over the last four months but it has been sheer bliss. I just know that I wish there was a stronger word than love in the English language and that is what I would use.
I never, ever thought that I would find love again or that it would come to me in this lifetime anyway. I was wrong and I am so grateful that I was. I refused to turn inward when I was hurt. I opened my heart even when it was painful and still expected the best. I have given my heart openly to Chad and am so grateful he accepted it. I do not look at the past with upset or hatred. I know I would not be as a compassionate person or understanding as I am without the past. I am not angry with anyone I dated and don’t regret my past marriage and I wish all of them well. All of those experiences brought me to the great love of my life and I am so very grateful and happy.
One thing I am currently working on is allowing myself to receive love. After years of being independent, stubborn and set in my ways, it is difficult for me to allow someone to do kind things for me. Unfortunately in my case I feel awkward when allowing myself to receive. I am learning to let go and to let another help me and that is definately a new sensation. I am a work in progress, and in this case thank goodness for impermanence. Because I like and love myself I am able to love without conditions, there is no selfishness, jealously or worry. I know that I trust him 100% and feel absolutely at ease and safe. I am able to be perfectly comfortable with my best friend and partner. It is amazing and so wonderful. My fairy tale can be yours too.
If you feel lost, confused or hurt pray for yourself and ask for a miracle of insight. Ask your loved ones and God source for help every day. Ask that you receive wisdom to do the impossible or mend a broken road. Know that you are stronger than your greatest fear. You are not too old, too fat, too co-dependent, too poor, or stupid to change your life. Do your best to let go of outcomes and become your own best friend. Learn to live life with an open and raw heart. My hardest days were when I just sat and truly felt my pain. I felt it in the depths of my soul, and what I found was that pain was like a crying baby once given proper attention and respect it stopped crying. When we hold our pain with respect and attention it lessons. I learned the most delicious things about myself one time by dating someone who hurt me deeply. When I opened my heart to the hurt and healed it, I attracted my beautiful soul mate. I am doing the best I can day by day. I am so grateful for all the good and bad in my life and wouldn’t change a thing. I am open and will love hard until the day I die.
I wish when people were suffering I could say, “Okay, you need to do A,B, and C and this is what will happen.” That would be ideal, but then I guess it wouldn’t be living. You may want to seek the advice of a counselor, a therapist, a religious member or a medium, and I suggest doing all of the above, but when it comes down to it, it is something your soul and heart have to agree upon and you’ll have to make the decisions yourself. You may find comfort in writing a journal, spending time with friends, loading your IPod with verve or seeking a spiritual solution. I read books, too many of them I think. There isn’t any clear cut path for you to take other than agreeing to love yourself right now and knowing that love is there for you without a doubt.