Friday, January 8, 2010

I walk to Feel Better

I walk to feel better. The most beautiful winding path is just feet from my house. Most days I throw on my IPod and daydream. In my minds eye I am the most beautiful woman in the world, adored by throngs of men who vie for my attention through writing me beautiful words. Sometimes, I write stories in my mind as I walk and other times I sing off key.

I speak to the cows and they thoughtfully stare back at me in quiet contemplation. I breathe in the deep musky smell of wood and pine. In the spring, there are honeysuckle blossoms. Once on my way back from the halfway point, a sea of green grass billowed like ocean waves. It is where I find my peace, my center. Several times on this path mystical happenings have occurred. I feel like I get to walk halfway between heaven and earth.

One common feeling I have every time I walk this path is that I am so happy to be alive. I personally believe that we live not just once, but several times and are as old as time. Yesterday as I walked path the bales of hay and fields of dancing yellow butterflies I cried just at the thought of being blessed to live. I would come back to earth a million times over if I could.

It saddens me when people say, this planet is so difficult. I hear the heartache in people who would choose never to return if they had the choice. My life has been no bed of roses. I have been a victim of alcoholism, physical battery, war, death, and suffering. Nobody is immune from suffering. We all suffer.

Yet through all the pain and all the heartache, I love being a member of this planet. An old boss of mine once pointed his finger accusatorily at me and suggested I had a “Pollyanna Complex.” So be it. I will incarnate again and again to live, to die and to suffer just for the privilege of green grass, slow moving creeks and lilacs blowing in the wind. I love my children with the whole of my heart. I love my family and friends with all that I am. I love my life, crap or not. It’s my privilege to be here.

When I was sixteen, I attempted suicide and obviously failed. I was in such deep pain I wanted my misery to end. Depression was an old friend of mine. To this day I am not sure what would have helped me value my life, but I am forever grateful that I did. It didn’t dawn on me until I was in my thirties that I was worthy of not only loving others, but also being loved myself. When I was divorced, I had an affair with Ben and Jerry. They were great lovers but my hips needed their own zip code. I again found that old comforting friend Depression.

I began walking the road outside my house for exercise, but the gravel lane became a spiritual path and afforded me the opportunity to remember who I was. I don’t always like who I am or what I look like, but I am always evolving. I still have bad days and life doesn’t always contain butterflies and daises, but in the core of my soul I know I would come back in a heartbeat.

We can all find a mystical path outside our front door. You don’t have to be my neighbor to find magic. The road is already in place looking for your feet.

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