Friday, January 8, 2010

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, devoid of snow and cold. I rather enjoy my brown lawn. I must admit it isn't very festive. I have friends coming tomorrow but I consider them family. Family is what my Christmas seems to be focused on it's what's important.

I was having a really bad feel sorry for myself day on Friday. I was in the grocery store, concentrating so hard on my own issues, I didn't take notice of anyone around me. A beautiful elderly lady looked up at me and smiled, she was so pretty. I smiled back at her surprised that I had not seen her. She gave me an amazing gift with that smile. She also happened to look just like my late grandmother. I cried all the way home in the car.

I know the holidays are difficult for so many people. When we have lost people we love, we have a tendency to wish the holidays to go away. Our hurt may visit us as pessimism, ambivalence, or depression. When you have lost your child, spouse, siblings or parents, the holidays can be extremely difficult to say the least.

One of my favorite quotes is by a Jewish scholar named Philo. He once said, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." I know this to be true. We are all fighting a great battle. I think one of the hardest things to accomplish after losing someone we love, is just getting out of bed in the morning. No longer does it seem to matter if your hair is brushed or if your clothes match. It's hard to let go of those we love. We suffer the loss of those we love until we cross over. Sure, we know they are in a good place, we know they are okay, but it really stinks for us on planet earth. We can rationalize all we want but the heart and soul know different.

My dear friend who lost her young son said that she missed the weight of his body pressed against hers when she held him. She worried she would forget his voice and his touch. Her worries are everyone's worst fear, the fear of forgetting someone we love. She is doing her best to live for herself, her husband, and her children. It is not easy to heal from the loss of a child, and there are no clear-cut answers. She is my hero. Through all that she has been through, she has never once been unkind, selfish, or self-absorbed. She is realistic about her healing and heals the best she can each day. Yes, she has her horrible down times, but who does not? She would never know that she is a guide, nor want to be one, but she is my teacher.

Lama Sura Das once said, "Letting go means letting come and go---letting be. It means coming to accept what can't be changed even while working for positive growth, change, and transformation. Letting be is a way of oneness and loving life in all it's surprising forms. This is how we befriend ourselves, we befriend the whole world."

Letting other's help us with loss is something we may be uncomfortable in allowing. Loss is a private pain that we think that no one else can understand. Our suffering is ours. It needs to be personal and private sometimes, but not all the time. I think if we could have a special ritual or prayer that we do for our loved ones who have died, the holidays may be a bit easier to swallow. I know that no one dies I know this. It is the one belief in my life that brings me comfort when all else seems lost. Letting others into our hearts and letting them see our pain when we pretend to be strong is not easy.

I wish all of you who are suffering from loss this holiday season to be blessed with comfort and peace. Know that someone in this world understands your pain and suffering. My prayers and wishes are with all of you. You have all touched my heart by sharing your lives with me, and I am a better person because of it. I send love to each and every one of you. Let others in your heart and let them comfort you. Let yourself be surrounded by friends and family, and know in your heart of hearts that you are not alone. Allow your loved ones who have died to come to you in their own way. I'll leave you with a prayer I wrote:

Just for today, just for this moment, just for the now,
may my heart be open to love though I feel I cannot go on.
May I feel my loved ones embrace.
May I find peace and soothe anger with my loss.
May my broken heart be healed.
May I allow myself to be comforted by those who love me.
May I do my highest good today for myself and others.
May I be peace inside and out.
May I not judge myself as good or bad, may I just be.
I allow myself to be healed and accept abundance in all forms.
Please allow me to find comfort today in all that I do.
I send unconditional love to those I have lost and allow them to heal my heart as well.

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